*after annoying Sam/majorly pushing his buttons because I’m like a 5-year-old and I find it hilarious*

“How much do you love me? Be honest.”
“Enough to not answer your question right now.”

“This shirt is a kids’ large. Fits me just right.”
“Well then whenever someone who’s never met you asks me ‘what’s your wife like’ I can just tell them you’re a large kid.”

“I’ve never really been a fan of Rihanna. I’ve never liked her voice or the way she looked or anything.”
“I’m kidding. You’re Asian, you can’t be racist.”

“Look, olives, your favorite!”
“Olive you too babe.”
“Why the sour face?”
“Because I have a sour husband.”
“We’re a bunch of sour patch kids. Of course you’re the yellow sour patch kid.”
“Why am I th-…hate you.”

“Happy anniversary!”
“This is the fifth year of this date that we’ve been together.”
“…actually it’s the fourth.”
“Actually it’s the 28th year that we’ve both been alive on this planet together.”
“Yeah. You’re 29, so 28 years. You wouldn’t have been born yet 29 years ago.”
“Yes I would have. I’m turning 30 this year.”