“Did you see that I took the Which Muppet Are You quiz and got Miss Piggy?”
“You would get Miss Piggy.”
“What?! I would’ve wanted to be…”
“Fozzy?”
“Yeah, Fozzy Bear.”
“Why?”
“Because I tell corny jokes.”
“I’d probably get Miss Piggy too.”
“No, you’d probably be one of those guys up in the balcony passing judgment on everyone.”

“Aw, neighbors across the street are watching Keeping Up With the Kardashians! I’m going to stand here and watch and be creepy.”

“I have the sudden urge to run a marathon.  But I don’t think I have the attention span for a full one.  I could do a half, but probably not a full.  I’d just get bored.”
“Maybe you should just do a kids’ 5k fun run.”

“Man, golf is going to be an expensive sport.”
“How so?”
“$500 in golf clubs, and like $1,000 in lululemon clothing.”

“Well, see, to have fun at an arcade, you need either friends or booze.  If the number of friends goes down, the amount of alcohol needed goes up.”
“Um, no.  When I go to the arcade, I need to focus.  It’s not about having fun, it’s about winning the most number of tickets.”
“Man.  Not only have you been going to the wrong Vegas, you’ve been going to the wrong arcades.”

“I won the costume contest.  I said I was 2 costumes in 1: Luigi, and a mexican day laborer with the L on my hat standing for ‘Latino’.”