“Uberpool guy kept talking to me.  When he got out of the car, driver started talking to me.  Why can I never ride in peace?”
“Sorry.  Married life.  Your RBF is losing power because you’re too happy.”

“I named our next cat.”
“We’re getting another cat?”
“No.”
“Ok..”
“Our next cat’s name will be Percival Ulysses Reginald Sysum.”
“What the.”
“PURS (purrs) for short.”
“What if it’s a girl cat?”
“Then we’ll name it Patricia.”
“That doesn’t work.  Like Percival actually could be Purrs for short, but Patricia Ulysses doesn’t work.”
“No.  Like we’ll just name it Patricia.”
“Why?”
“Pat the Cat.”

Sam and I are discussing adopting this one-eyed sweetheart cat from the shelter.

“If we get her, I’m renaming her Emeowy Dickinson.”
“With 1 eye, she needs a pirate name. Like Captain Blacktail, or Dread Pirate Mowberts.”
“She’s a girl though.”
“So, girls can’t have pirate names? Way to set back women’s rights babe.”

“Maya scratched me.  It’s actually a pretty deep scratch.”
“Ew, let me see.”
“See?” *shows the back of his leg*
“Ouch.  At least it’s not bleeding.”
“No, just stings a bit.”
“Do you want to put anything on it?”
“Just you, baby.”
“I’m not sure that would help.”
“But you make me feel good in other places that would help me take my mind off it… LIKE MY HEART.”