“Are you excited that I’m going to make chocolate cake tomorrow?”
“Yes! Is it going to be super moist?”
“Um yes I’ll try.”
“I mean moist like if it was a steak, it would be medium rare.”

“Computer, play today’s hits.”
“No! I don’t want to listen to today’s hits!”
“Why not?”
“I want classical music!”
“You want classical music? Why?”
“Because this is A CLASSY CHICKEN AND DUMPLINGS DINNER SO I WANT CLASSICAL MUSIC.”
“……..Computer, play 50s big band music.”

“What’s your favorite animal?”
“Panther!”
“Really?”
“Yeah!”
“Why??”
“Because! They’re awesome! It’s like a dog-sized cat that’s black, and they just… *waves hand around* they’re just awesome.”

“Have you ever been horseback riding?”
“Of course I have.”
“When?”
“When I was a kid.”
“When?”
“WHEN I WAS A KID.”
“Yes I know but WHEN?”
“I just told you when I was a f*cking kid!”
“Yes but ‘when I was a kid’ could mean anywhere from when you were 2 all the way to 31.”

“Love you!”
“Love you too.”
“Sometimes I don’t love you though.”
“What percent of time is that?”
“Hmm, 2%.”
“So 2 percent of the time you don’t love me.”
“Yeah. What percent of time do you not love me?”
“1.9%. So clearly I love you more.”

“Why did you come in here?”
“Because you were quiet so I wanted to see what you were doing.”
“Am I a child that you need to check up on?!”
“Yep.”