“How much do you love me, on a scale of 1 to 10?”
“That’s too small of a scale.”
“1 to 1000.”
“Still too small.”
“Fine. 1 to a million.”

“Which of the animals do you feel more protective and paternal towards?”
“…. Of all animals?”
“No, of our animals.”
“Oh, cuz I was gonna say for all animals, I mean, a snail can’t really defend itself.”

“Why did you wave at that guy?”
“He’s our neighbor. Plus, what’s the harm in waving to people? Well, if I wave to a girl she might become smitten. Okay I won’t wave to girls.”

“I love The Vamps, actually.”
“What? They ab sexually?”
“No. I said I love The Vamps, actually.”
“Oh. I thought you said they ab sexually and I was like, what is that and how is that even possible? Like they just rub their bellies together?”

* while watching a James Bond movie where a female character tells Bond “you’re a good man, James.” *

*whispers* “You’re a good man, Charlie Brown.”
*shakes head*
“I’m going to start dubbing over all your movies.”
“And I’m going to start kicking you out. I don’t dub over your movies!”
“Yes you do!”
“Ok you’re right, I do. But mine are actually funny.”